last night my grandmother gave up the battle. and frankly i am relieved, because, from what i understand she was suffering a great deal. it is just such a strange thing, that death. and it just seems like our family is dwindling.

my mother seems okay. calmer than i thought. she is very afraid of the next couple of days. i think for her it is too soon for another funeral. we spoke last night and she told me that this is the third person to die when she wasnt around. her father died when she went home to rest, my brother was a surprise, and my grandmother evidently waited all day until my mother went home to feed the dog. i dont know it is coincidence or not, especially concerning my grandmother, but evidently she was making comments about how she was not afraid of dying as much as she was afraid how her children were going to be once she died.

all of it is very sad, of course, and tomorrow at 6 am, i will be heading to traverse city. it will be nice in many ways, since i havent been home in 9 months. and it will give me a chance to catch up with family, see craigs grave again.

but again, i am not as upset as i thought i might be. i am comforted by the fact that her suffering is over. but mostly it is just that strange void that happens when someone you know dies. it is a weird feeling.

a

send me to the promised land

well things in the land of moxie are relatively the same: lots of school, lots of work and one messy apartment.

last night was a lovely seder celebration at ben and rachael's. really, so wonderful. rachael re-wrote the hagaddah to be all-inclusive, full of liberation theology and completely community oriented. we washed each others hands, drank 20 bottles of wine and dined on some of the best vegetarian fair i have had in years. it was truly a remarkable evening. it was one of the best passover's i can recall. and like seders of my past, it lasted a full 6 hours, and we left at 1 in morning. delightful.

and thank god, because on the way to their house, which is in jamaica plain, max and i became horrendously lost. i mean HORRENDOUSLY. and we absolutely hated one another. it was great. we always get lost in boston. every single damn time we drive. and the conversation goes a-somethin' like this:

alyson: in an extremely grating voice, max, where the fuck are you going?
max: in an extremely irritated voice, dear, you want to drive?
alyson: hmpf...
max: yes, that is a great solution. how bout reading the map?
alyson: you know how i feel about THAT.
max: yes. you have made that quite clear. so i guess we will keep driving.....

it goes something like that for as long as we are lost. it is awesome.

a little bit of my work for you all  

blah! no more cranky, grumbly-bumbly-ness.

today was a serious of ridiculous events, most notably spending 4 hours doing autocad, which is this horrendous computerized drafting software. yes, i am somehow learning SOFTWARE. who knew?! but anway, my autocad partner in crime and i were attempting to get all of our drawings together, and it was a near diseaster. i mean, total alyson meltdown. the kind of meltdown where you cant see anything other than a bright, white light alternated by visions of the computer being thrown out the window. it went a little somethin' a-like this:

me : so, um, why cant i do this
partner in crime : sigh
me: no really, i just did this function like a minute ago
p-i-c: would you like me to get on the compy?
me: no, god damn it, WHY WONT THIS WORK.
p-i-c: --
me : AJKFHAPOIEY{PJOGNDPIOUAS){J FUCK@LA:KHFPOIHGPIHGOI. i hate autocad.

as you can tell, i am a REAL asset to the team. huge asset. huge ass.

tomorrow will be filled with lots of drawing, lots of crying and lots laughing and the hysterical nature of the next few weeks. haha. ha. heh. hfm.

the last word

my grandmother is dying. she was just moved to a special home, and is being made comfortable. last night my mother asked me to write a eulogy and an obituary. yeesh. i figured if i could do one for craig, i could certainly write one for ga. but for me, this woman has been pretty damn crabby for the last ten years or so. should i write about how we constantly argued about politics, religion and personal freedom? she believed in god, loved the pledge of allegiance, and well, had a word or to about those gays. what is it that i am supposed to write?
well, when i was younger she was absolutely the cool grandma. she wore wild outfits, very 80's make-up and had great jewelry. my sister and i loved her way more than our mother and spent months at her house. we were force fed endless amounts of dessert (that woman loves sugar), hugs and fun. but as she got older, and her body cause problems, life was quite unpleasant. and she essestially gave up and began to wait for what is happening now. in many ways it has been a great lesson. take care of yourself, do not become anti-social, keep that body moving.

because these waitresses will take shit from no one. and their fried chicken is marvelous.
 

sometimes i have to remember that reality checks are good. and to find a way to stop feeling so damn sorry for myself. blarg! and really how lucky i am so have such fabulous friends. i just wish i could make them all live in boston so i could tell them every day how neat i think they are.

i suppose it is easy to get caught up in one's one melodrama, but jesus. i am still sad about alot of things at the moment, but it isnt soul crushing, and i have work to do. i am over it. or at least i am not going to cry anymore.

during my boring mcboring color theory class, i figured out what we are going to be munching during the wedding celebration...and i am not telling. but damn. it is going to be marvelous. and the drinks! oh the drinks!

sometimes max gets mad at me for losing* his stuff. and he inevitably finds said item somewhere typical, like IN HIS BAG. THE BAG HE CARRIES WITH HIM EVERYDAY. yet before he finds the item, he gets mad and irrated that i have clearly thrown out something very precious to him, just for the simple pleasure of me making him go without. right.



*actually cleaning the apartment and putting away both of our stuff in its correct container such as putting band-aids back in the bathroom. WHERE THEY BELONG!

always in that pit of despair

well, yesterday was a painful day. the weekend was very stressful and was less of a weekend, and more like an extended week. i did not work very well towards my studio project, and it showed and i basically have to get my act together. our final review is in 6 weeks. it definitely makes me want to vomit.

i have this problem with hating to disappoint. ugh. i had to run to the bathroom to cry. i thought i might have a nervous breakdown. the jitteryness never stops. i no longer sleep. i wonder, is life always going to be like this?

my grandmother is dying, slow and fast at the same time. she doesnt know what is going on now, as she is on morphine. i spoke to her like a child a few days ago. she could barely remember her words. i havent been home in nine months. she will not know who i am in a few days.
not to mention that max and i are still not above poverty in any way. how does this happen? we buy groceries, pay bills. i always am shocked how we never have money. and we continue to disappoint.

yes, my stress is about disappointment. my teachers, my students, my in laws, my friends. and its hard to not think about all the ways, on a daily basis, i do not live up to my own standards.

whew, okay, this post is beginning to over itself. i think i am going to step away from the computer and this pit for a moment.

sometimes i am cute and sometimes max is cute 

no animals today

so instead of blogging pictures of my pets, i thought i would write a real post tonight. except that i am tired. so more tomorrow. but i am sure there will be a plethora to write about seeing as how my students are giving a recital tomorrow. oh its true. people ages 10-55 will be singing their little hearts out at the academy. already two of my students wanted to drop out of the recital. poor things, so afraid.
a

because today, i too, wish i could be high on a shelf like the always afraid lucia.  

panic

yesterday, i spent a great deal of time walking around the fancy streets of boston -- newbury and bolyston. it is very busy and fabulous, and i love that i spend a lot of my time there, even if it makes me feel like i need to rob various banks in order to afford a new wardrobe. i mean, it is hard enought to pass the newish marc jacobs store, but there are a bazillion cute, trendy, unique little boutiques all along newbury. but before i rob all of those banks, i have to figure out how i can become a size 2.
right.
i am feeling a great deal of panic and stress right now, which if course makes me do nothing related to that stress, unless one considers playing on the computer for an ungodly amount of time a reasonsable and school related activity. oi. it also makes me hate food, so my diet has become the liquid form, full of odwalla's superfood and v8. hey, at least i am getting my goddamn daily dose of fruits and vegetables. the only other real food thing that sounds remotely delicious is a bean burrito from the wrap. and forgive me for not wanting to eat a bean burrito every day. ooof.
soon i will be off to the laser cutting, the picture taking, the quiz failing and serious apartment cleaning that will be today.
ciao!
a

because i now realize just what an animal nutcase i am.  

oi vey, or really, the day from hell

so, yeah, its been one of those days. one of those days where you wake up an hour late, you forget all of your homework but still have to sit through three hour classes, files have gone missing from your computer, all your money is gone, and you are forced to sit through a painful seminar on how to find a design job where people yell at your for only knowing how to make a performance resume.
oi.
things that are good: i have spoken with a few far away friends today. that was good. my project for studio is going to be totally rad (if i can manage to pull it together) and in may max and i will be on easy street, that is, until we spend everything we own on some crazy wedding.
tomorrow is filled with more of the same, except a special trip full of longing to the fabulous madura, a interior design store that i want everything from. literally. unfortunately, i have to sketch it, dimension it and attempt an autocad drawing of it. you know, easy breezy.

a little artwork to cheer us all up

moving up

yeah, so officially i am going to write here now.

i keep having panic dreams -- on various subjects, but mostly the wedding.
i am also currently panicking about my homework this weekend. i am again, model building. this time without my boyfriend the laser cutter. ooof.

i wish i could actually say that fun things are a happening here in boston, but alas, poverty has struck again, and the homework is killer.

ah spring.

hey, perhaps i could be a little more sunshiny?