always in that pit of despair

well, yesterday was a painful day. the weekend was very stressful and was less of a weekend, and more like an extended week. i did not work very well towards my studio project, and it showed and i basically have to get my act together. our final review is in 6 weeks. it definitely makes me want to vomit.

i have this problem with hating to disappoint. ugh. i had to run to the bathroom to cry. i thought i might have a nervous breakdown. the jitteryness never stops. i no longer sleep. i wonder, is life always going to be like this?

my grandmother is dying, slow and fast at the same time. she doesnt know what is going on now, as she is on morphine. i spoke to her like a child a few days ago. she could barely remember her words. i havent been home in nine months. she will not know who i am in a few days.
not to mention that max and i are still not above poverty in any way. how does this happen? we buy groceries, pay bills. i always am shocked how we never have money. and we continue to disappoint.

yes, my stress is about disappointment. my teachers, my students, my in laws, my friends. and its hard to not think about all the ways, on a daily basis, i do not live up to my own standards.

whew, okay, this post is beginning to over itself. i think i am going to step away from the computer and this pit for a moment.